If Your Partner Doesn’t Fully Support Your Career and Ambitions, You’re Better off Staying Single

After researching dual-career couples, Avivah Wittenberg-Cox concluded that:

“Professionally ambitious women really only have two options when it comes to their personal partners — a super-supportive partner or no partner at all.”

The CEO of leading gender consultancy 20-first found that anything in between this becomes a “morale- and career-sapping morass.”

If you are a female professional making your way through a competitive field, this might be an uncomfortable statement to consider.

Wittenberg-Cox found that while partnerships between similarly educated and career-driven people appear equal at the outset, the trajectory they follow tells a different story. This is mainly the case for heterosexual couples, and it’s almost always the woman whose career comes second.

So why are so many men unsupportive of their partner’s careers? The fact is that they aren’t necessarily unsupportive — Wittenberg-Cox found that most are proud of their partners’ careers and were more than happy to be in a relationship with a successful woman. The issue arises when they find themselves faced with trade-offs they weren’t expecting — when their partners’ careers begin to interfere with their own. Whether this is a job offer involving relocation or altering work arrangements to pick up caregiving participation, someone has to yield. A study found that husbands were a key factor in two-thirds of women’s decisions to leave the workforce as more often than not, they are the ones who take the path of least resistance.

A study involving 25,000 Harvard Business School graduates further highlights this disconnect. At graduation men and women shared similar career goals and expectations, but more than half the men surveyed already expected their own careers to take precedence over their wives’ careers. Research on divorce and marriage rates in people’s fifties and sixties demonstrated that women who have demoted their ambitions due to their husband bide their time. Approximately 60% of late-life divorces are initiated by women, most often to focus their energies on their careers after fifty. Many men are completely blindsided by this, and Wittenberg-Cox found in interviews with men whose wives had suddenly left them that they “didn’t know” — much like what corporate leaders had told her after their senior female executives quit.

In reality, it was found that they did know, they just didn’t care. Their wives had been communicating with them all along, but they didn’t listen to the garrulous speech in their ear because they didn’t think it affected them, only to be surprised and grief-stricken when the frustration and lack of recognition drove their partner out of the door.

Wittenberg-Cox suggested that much leadership and team-building knowledge are directly transferrable to managing dual-career couples at home. This includes setting a long-term vision, actively listening, and giving feedback.

Setting a long-term vision

It is recommended that dual-career couples discuss long-term personal and professional goals early, and regularly revisit them. Ensure that you gave alignment and mutual support between yourselves. Be clear about what support is needed and what is expected to achieve these goals.

Actively listen

Sit down for regular, dedicated, face-to-face listening sessions. Listen to everything the other person has to say, then repeat it back to them and switch roles. Don’t speak over the top of them, and don’t interrupt them.

Give regular feedback

Everyone appreciates feedback (and a bit of flattery). It keeps the lines of communication open and reduces the likelihood that there will be any big surprises later down the track. It also simply makes your partner feel loved, appreciated, and admired!

If your partner is unwilling to do these things with you, then you need to ask yourself why. Retaining women at home and work takes self-awareness. It means focusing on potential with a long-term vision, and ensuring that all parties have the recognition and support they need to grow and thrive.