Self-Compassion Is a Strength — Why Being Kind to Yourself Makes You More Resilient

When was the last time you made an important mistake or failed at something? How did you react to yourself? Did you chastise yourself for being so stupid? Do you still cringe when thinking back to that moment? Or do you accept it as human error and move on with care and growth in mind?

For most people, harsh and judgmental criticisms are the most natural when it comes to making mistakes and perceived failures. Being hard on ourselves can sometimes be seen as a sign of our ambition for success. However, a wealth of research shows that self-criticism works against us and can be extremely damaging. Self-criticism increases our unhappiness levels, makes us more stressed, increases procrastination, and prevents us from achieving our goals in the future.

Instead of self-criticism, we need to practice self-compassion.

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is extending compassion to ourselves in instances of perceived failure or general suffering. It is greater forgiveness for our mistakes and caring for ourselves in times of emotional struggle. Think of a good friend or family member in your life who is warm and unconditionally supportive of you — self-compassion is being that same friend or family member to yourself. Self-compassion has been shown to increase our emotional resilience, improve our health and wellbeing, and increase productivity.

Self-compassion may sound similar to self-esteem. Self-esteem is our overall sense of self-worth or personal value. Unfortunately, self-esteem is incredibly unstable and is contingent on people liking you — self-esteem can result in a fragile sense of self-worth that can dissipate under failure. You can have self-esteem one day and have no self-esteem the next.

Self-compassion is very different from self-esteem. It is more stable, can be present through both ups and downs, and doesn’t depend on other people liking us. With self-esteem, it is possible to hold yourself in high regard but find it difficult to forgive yourself for perceived failures.

What are the benefits of self-compassion?

Now a blossoming field of research, the benefits of self-compassion are well-documented. A recent study showed that self-compassion is negatively correlated with depression and anxiety, and positively correlated with general life satisfaction. The benefits of self-compassion aren’t just mental — people with high self-compassion report decreased physical ailments such as back pain, headaches, nausea, and respiratory problems. This could be due to a lowered inflammatory stress response, but may also be due to people with high self-compassion being more proactive and more likely to take better care of their bodies through positive lifestyle changes, diet, and exercise. Think of a caring parent telling you to go to bed early, eat well, move your body, and get things done. People with high self-compassion are more motivated in all aspects of life — they’re more motivated to achieve their goals, correct their errors, and improve themselves. Self-compassion allows people to confront their weaknesses and make positive changes, instead of becoming self-defensive or wallowing in self-pity.

Can we develop self-compassion?

The good news is that self-compassion can be trained. Researchers posit that self-criticism is not too far ingrained in us and that it is beyond repair.

Popular self-compassion interventions include loving-kindness meditations — which guide you to focus on feelings of forgiveness and warmth to yourself and others — and written interventions, such as composing a letter to yourself from the perspective of a loving friend. And most importantly, we need to stop viewing self-compassion and self-care as a sign of weakness and stop seeing self-criticism as a sign of strength. The research is clear — when life gets tough, you want to be self-compassionate and you want to be kind — it will make you stronger.