Sorry Not Sorry: What No One Told You About Apologising

When was the last time you said “sorry” at work? What was it for?

Apologising is a good thing to do, especially when you’ve done something that warrants one. However, saying sorry isn’t always a good thing and can hurt us professionally. Some examples of things you don’t need to apologise for include getting bumped into by someone else, getting sick, getting interrupted, or asking a question.

Apologising is contagious — when we’re in a culture where people routinely apologise for things that they have no control over, we pick up those speech habits and start repeating them.

So how can something that is intended to be polite potentially be so damaging?

It minimises you

Frequently apologising is a habit many of us have, so much so that we tend to open what we’re about to say with an apology. Unfortunately, this habit doesn’t send a message of strength, intention, or indicate that you are fully present. It sends a message that you’re unconfident in what you’re saying. Apologising minimises yourself, your presence, and your contribution. When we have speech habits that minimise ourselves, we send the signal that what we have to say isn’t important or that we don’t have the right to be there.

It puts the attention on you

Apologising focuses everything on ourselves — it signals that our first concern is how others might perceive us. It might seem like you’re considering others by apologising, but it puts the focus on you and demands the other person to say “It’s okay” or “No problem”. A study found that apologising when intentionally rejecting someone (such as cancelling plans) could cause the other person to feel worse or obliged to forgive the rejected person before they are ready.

It lessens the impact of future apologies

We all know the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. Saying sorry for every little thing means that sincere apologies will carry less weight in the future.

So, how can we kick our “sorry” habit?

Saying “thank you”

Saying “thank you” is a great substitute for “sorry” that takes the focus off you and demonstrates that you’re considering other people first and foremost. For example, if you walk into a meeting late and say “I’m sorry I’m late”, the focus is on you and your behaviour, and your main concern is what others think about you. If you were to instead say “Thank you for waiting for me”, the focus is on the others in the room, it demonstrates that your graciousness to others and that your main concern is that people have been waiting for you. Saying “thank you” instead of “sorry” turns the meaning around but still has the intended effect.

Offering a solution

Sometimes things don’t go according to plan, and it’s not our fault. We’ve all been in meetings or presentations where there’s been a technical problem, or the slides aren’t working, which is usually followed by profuse apologies. Instead of apologising, outline how you’re going to fix the issue. For example, “That didn’t go as I’d planned! Here’s how I’ll fix it.”

Get comfortable with saying “no”

Often we will apologise for something when we are declining a request because the word “no” feels too harsh. If you’re inundated with work and a colleague asks for help, you don’t need to be sorry for not having the capacity to help them. If you can’t make an event because you had prior commitments or you got sick, you don’t need to apologise. You can be transparent about your situation without undermining yourself with an apology. For example, “I don’t have the capacity at the moment”, or, “I can’t make it — looking forward to next time, though.”

Harness technology

Amazingly, a Google plugin called Just Not Sorry notifies you each time you use a word or phrase in your writing that undermines your message. It will also explain to you how your language might make people think less of you.

Apologies are important and do serve a purpose, but there are times when saying “sorry” won’t serve you well. When you’re apologising, it’s important to ask yourself why. Did something go wrong and it’s truly your fault? Are you trying to be part of the conversation? Are you afraid of how people will perceive you if your request is too direct? Are you apologising to ask for permission? Are you trying to call attention to yourself? Once we bring awareness to the reasons we are apologising, it can help us to break the unnecessary habit.